November 2006

November 26th, 2006
What is it Good For?

We have to stop declaring war, and not just in Iraq. Every time we want to stop something, we declare war on it. Poverty, dirty air, drugs, Paris Hilton, or terrorism, no matter, we go to war. Not only do we go to war, we appoint a czar to lead the war. We have had energy czars, drug czars, poverty czars, all kinds of czars. One would think that the leader of a program in a democracy would not take the title of a leader in a failed political system, but no matter. These are the same government stooges who declared ketchup a vegetable, so you cannot be disappointed in a donkey when it doesn’t bray on key, it is a donkey.
These czars have no idea what they are doing (so they could really be czars). They ride in to D.C., talk a lot of smack, and then ride off, declaring victory. The best example is William Bennett of “if we aborted Black fetuses there would be a drop in crime” fame. This stooge with portfolio was appointed drug czar by Poppy Bush. He did nothing, and I mean nothing, to stem the flow of drugs into our communities. This is a guy who rails against big government, unless he is getting a paycheck. He was followed some time later by General Barry McCaffrey. If a general becomes a czar, is it a promotion? He also did nothing to end drug usage in America. However, drug usage did decline, but it had little to do with the czars. It had more to do with a generation of youth who watched the destruction of those who preceded them, and decided to decline that hell.
What the government will never admit, never realize, and never accept is that the war is over. The government has lost the war, and will never win it. Why? People like to get high, that’s why. From wine in the Bible to bongs in Battery Park, folks have always tried to alter their consciousness. It has never ceased, it will never cease. Jail, fines, seizure of property, shootouts, nothing stops high getting.
In fact, think back to when organized crime made its first inroads into the United States came soon after religious fanatics in the halls of Congress banned booze. That’s not how you decrease drug use; this is how you do that:
1)Decriminalize it. Part of the reason for usage is the illegality. There is a mystique to doing drugs illegally, the towel at the door, the incense filling the room, all of the trappings. Keep young people out of jail for this, and the risk-reward factor abates, and with it the thrill.2)Appoint a “czar” who has used drugs and has been to jail for it. I suggest Eugene “Mercury” Morris, former All-Pro running back for the Miami Dolphins. He used cocaine, he sold cocaine, he did time for it. Now he is clean and sober and runs drug treatment centers all over the place. Who better to teach restraint, Morris, or the obese, chain smoking Bennett?
This country has a bad recent habit of extending wars beyond the point of reason. Now is the time to end that bad habit.
November 25th, 2006
Fon du Lacking
Some parents in Fond u Lac, Wisconsin want a book banned from the high school. The book is, “I know Why the Caged Bird Sings” by Maya Angelou. They want it banned because it has passages that refer to unwed pregnancy. I guess they think reading about pregnancy makes you want to become pregnant. Funny, I don’t know anyone who read “Caged” and got pregnant as a result, but maybe the cold air up there stimulates the sex drive down there.
I hope the parents win, but for my own reasons. I would make them a deal: ban any book you wish, but restrict your travel to the town limits of Fond u Lac. You are not allowed to spread your frightful ignorance outside your own bailiwick. I promise that the I.Q, of neighboring town will rise as the ignorance of these Bible zealots rises in sync.
I assume these folks thing that all that begetting in the good book was done after a decent interval following a wedding ceremony. They evidently don’t know that marriage was a land deal until a couple of centuries ago. Nah, that would be owning up to facts, and if there is one thing George Bush has taught us, reality is for those who know reality, and faith will out, and if we all click our heels together and…..
November 24th, 2006
STOP
Not one person reading this thought about Michael Richards before he went nutsin L.A. Not one person was thinking, “I wonder what happened to Michael Richardssince ‘Seinfeld’ went off the air?” Now everyone cares. They care because theythink that Michael Richards is a racist. They have no idea if he is or not. They doknow that he can say the n-word enough to knock down a career. Now it is a circus. Everyone has an opinion about Richards, from publicists to meto Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton. That these two guys weighed on this issue is nowofficially a joke. Somebody somewhere said something about Black people, and hereride in the Two Horsemen of the Photo-op. Gloria Allred is attorney for the twomen who got slammed by Richards. She would sue herself for two minutes ofairtime on Larry King. They are now officially victims. Michael Richards calledthem names, and now they are ruined. I have heard a unique brand of racism from people defending the racially as-saulted men sitting in the comedy club. It wasn’t an all Black table, they say, therewere other ethnicities there as well. WELL!!!! That makes it all better, because youknow how loud THEY get. Other questions pop up. If Chris Rock had said what Richards said, wouldanyone have noticed? If he said it in a clowning fashion, in a child’s voice, would webe just as outraged? ARE you outraged, or do you think it is just the explosive na-ture of a man on a mental cliff? What really shows Richards to be out of touch isthat he approached Sharpton and Jackson for guidance. Next time, call RussellSimmons and Jay-Z, they still actually care.
November 21st, 2006
Not That Funny
Yes, Michael Richards went too far in his tirade at the Comedy Store. What he said was terrible, vile racist epithets, and he should apologize. He did. The fault is not Michael Richards. If you let me drive in the Indianapolis 500 and I die as a result, it is your fault for assuming I would know how to negotiate The Old Brickyard. Throughout my comedy career, many comedy club owners allowed famous performers to try standup even though they had no experience in the art. Most of the time, these performers are not ready to mount the stage and perform standup. I recall actress Sean Young bombing at Catch a Rising Star and telling a friend afterward that in a couple of weeks, she would be ready to tackle it again full time. I never saw her on a comedy stage again. Of course, the famous have a built in edge. The audience probably likes them upfront, so they are prepared to enjoy them. Even if they don’t do well, the audience is still pleased that they saw the star do anything. Stupendous eruptions like Richards’ are rare. It happened because Michael Richards had no idea to deal with hecklers. Let me first address the hecklers: you are idiots. You are in a comedy club where people did not pay one dime to hear you talk. No one cares about you. Shut up and watch the show. If you cannot do that, then you are imbeciles, and should not go out anymore. However, you were dealt with badly. Here’s how you should have been dealt with:1) The comic should continue with his monologue and stare at you until you get the hint.2) If that doesn’t work, during a laugh, ask them quietly to keep it down.3) If that doesn’t work, ask a seater or usher to quiet them down. Michael Richards didn’t know any of these steps. Why? He’s not a comedian, that’s why. He was racially denigrating people who as a group did not watch “Seinfeld”. They could not care less about him (although they did know that he hasn’t had any success save for “Seinfeld”). If conservatives can forgive Trent Lott and George Allen, they damn sure can let this go.
November 20th, 2006
Tough Crowd
Tough CrowdGeorge Bush is in Indonesia, where he is going to be booed like Kevin Federline at a Parents without Partners meeting. It is part of his “I’ve Got Nothing to do but Travel” tour, where the Commander in Chief will don outfits that are sure to put him at the top of the Daily Show picture insets. I saw him in one particularly fetching flower print silk button down that was the envy of everyone auditioning for “Flower Drum Song Goes Drag”.
Things sure have changed for Presidents of the United States. There was a time when no matter where he appeared, the President was greeted by little girls with flowers, and the other ninety-nine per cent of the population was jailed.
He’d sit with the president or prime minister of some repressive little country for a photo op, ask him if we could rip off his natural resources, and sneak off for a quick round of back nine and nosh. Those days have vanished.
Thanks to the fact we are declaring the worst war in our history, and thanks to the fact that Indonesia is all Muslim all the time, Bush will get a reception reserved for convicted murderers from the victim’s survivors.
Then he and the Mrs. Fly home to a day of deciding which judge he will not see sworn in first.
November 16th, 2006
Your “Want To”
Your ‘Want To’
I never forget that Al Gore won the popular vote. I never forget that Al Gore was ripped off. I never forgot that Ralph Nader is a self-seeking ideologue. I also never forget that the Democrats do not have the instinctive desire to attack and destroy that the Republicans do. You never see attack ads like the GOP perpetrates. I see no ads about W’s whereabouts during National Guard duty. I see no ads about how Ken Lay is nowhere close to being investigated. I see no ads about anything negative about George Bush. I didn’t see them in 2000, and I didn’t see them in 2004. What we have are the same ‘geniuses’ who piloted the Democrats to a losing off year election. What we see are hand wringing whiners who come from the high school debate club running against the GOP high school jocks who win by grabbing your throat until you decided to breathe and vote.
While Democrats complain about the dirty tactics of the right, the right is getting sworn into the offices they have won. I am watching a recreation of 1972, and it is not because Dean is the new McGovern. It is because the Democrats are tearing each other apart instead of having the good sense to step aside and let those in a position to win fight it out. Hooray for Kucinich, he has good ideas. Does anyone reading this think he can beat George Bush? Do you think Moseley-Braun or Al Sharpton can win in November? Have Joe Lieberman’s supporters stopped to think that if you are more like Zell Miller than Nancy Pelosi you will not win in ten months?
By the way, why don’t the Dems respond to charges against McGovern this way: George McGovern flew fifty-one missions in WWII, almost twice as many as the president’s father? We know that W can sit in a jet while someone else lands it and parade around in a flight uniform, but how many missions did HE fly in Vietnam?
I can see a tragic scenario where the losers in the Democratic primaries lick their wounds and don’t campaign for the nominee. This will bring us judges who will destroy affirmative action, public education, rights of the disenfranchised and reproductive rights for all women. There is already brain damaging mercury being brought into the water, and what do we have for opposition to George Bush? Susan Sarandon telling the press she “hates” Hillary Clinton. We have Michael Moore, who supported Nader in 2000, cheerleading for Clark now that he realizes his mistake. Take a deep breath and look at the GOP. Even those in that party who cannot stand Bush remain silent. Why? They know it is more important to win than to make your feelings known. Your feelings are an extension of your ego, and ego is not going to feed or employ or protect Americans. If you want to be a dissident, be a dissident to Bush, not to those with whom you might disagree on a few issues. Keep your eyes on the prize. If the Democrats lose in 2004, the damage done will be felt for decades by people who do not have the privilege of a microphone in their faces for the world to hear their opinions. If you don’t want to help defeat the GOP, then take a vacation or make a movie, but keep your precious words inside.
When I was a kid, a salesman told me the motto of every good pitchman is ‘How Big is Your Want To?’ How great is your desire to win this. The size of the Democratic Party’s desire is not big enough and won’t be until they respond to a punch in the mouth with a kick to a more sensitive area.
November 12th, 2006
Shut Up and Pray
The frightfully despicable Laura Ingraham wrote a book entitled “Shut Up and Sing”, a book which scolded entertainers about their speaking out over their political leanings. Isn’t it wonderful when a woman from a wealthy Connecticut suburb rages over elites? Isn’t it great when a woman with a gay brother speaks out against “sodomites”? Don’t you love it when she tells liberal entertainers to shut up but enocurages open mouths for Charlie Daniels and Toby Keith and Bruce Willis and Patricia Heaton and Drew Carey?
Isn’t it delicious when she rages against lawbreakers, yet forgets that I was there when she encouraged the assassination of a sitting president (more about that in my next blog)? Nothing could be more engrossing than a single woman in her forties protesting gays—or anybody— getting married. Monica Crowley, Laura Ingraham, and Ann Coulter, all three blonde, all three conservative, all three unmarried. If they were ugly, Ken Mehlman would pay them to be Democrats (or grab a few makeup tips).
November 12th, 2006
Thirty-One and Falling
The approval rate for W is 31%, and will it go up? It’s not likely, given his history as an adult.
His father’s friends secured Bush a passel of oil leases, and his level of failure is legendary in the fields of Texas.
Then some of Dad’s friends fronted money to buy a big chunk of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and Bush’s claim to fame is trading futrue MVP Sammy Sosa.
That’s right, he tries it, it doesn’t work out, he ditches it. He gets away with murder every step of the way. His father (again with him!) plants W in an Air Force reserve unit of future idolators, he goes missing for a year, there is no trace of a physical, and he is ordered to stop flying. No one protests because W’s absence in the skies over Viet Nam probably saved American lives.
Well, this time the check has arrived and no one is reaching for their wallet,George, so pay up. You could actually do us all a favor and let the Democrats run things, they’ll get us back on our feet, and then during this time, you’ll be able to fade into the backdrop, a fade you so richly merit.
November 11th, 2006

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States if she heeds these three rules:
1)Make sure everyone who speaks on behalf of you clears it with you before they create a slogan for the opposition (”I voted for the war…”). Stay above the fray, but when you do speak, speak honestly,frankly,sincerely,and most of all, interestingly.
2)It is not a negative to tell the truth about a candidate (Giuliani’s race baiting, McCain is a far right winger). One hard hitting HONEST ad, and that candidate spends all of their time refuting it.
3)YOU must define the issues. If you create the arena,then all of the other candidates must come to you to debate the issues,and that strengthens you. If you ask John McCain why he defended Bush, a man whose campaign called his wife a drug addict, it is fair game.
If you challenge St. Giuliani on his activities during and around 9/11, (adultery,using the police to bodyguard his lady friend,promoting the career of Bernard Kerik) you will see the side of Giuliani New Yorkers have seen,and he will be history.

You’re welcome.
November 8th, 2006
After the Fall
Well, the election is over, and the people have told George Bush he is not a good president. This game of politics was not local, it was international.
Harry Reid is majority leader because of dead men and women of U.S. citizenry in Iraq. Joe Lieberman had to run as an independent because he supported the war that killed them. Rick Santorum will be home schooling his kids because he refused to budge off of his war stance.
Oh, sure,there are other factors that led up to the GOP ouster. Limbaugh making fun of people with life threatening diseases kicked Jim Talent out of office. Hastert pretending no one told him that Mark Foley was a sad lonely closeted gay person delivered seats to the Dems.
But if you take a step back, this election of ‘06 was all about voters telling George Bush that he is an incompetent, that he is a hack, and that he does not care about them.
When Bush tells voters that a man who choked his mistress in a rage is the right person for that district, you start to realize he is just a frontman, a casino greeter with a nervous tic.
People can forgive incompetence, people can overlook arrogance, but you cannot be both incompetent and arrogant and then tell people you know what is best for them. You cannot ignore what you say as if no one is listening. When you hold off on firing the wretched Rumsfeld because it is bad for the GOP, and do not realize that keeping him was bad for the GOP, you are either badly advised or ignorant, or badly advised by ignorant people.
I have listened to Limbaugh and Hannity tell listeners that the GOP lost because the Dems got more voters out. Wrong!!! The GOP lost because their voters crossed over, and until the sore losers understand why, this pattern will not end.
To show what I mean, try this experiment. The next time a conservative grimaces at the mention of Hillary Clinton’s name, ask them why they do so. I will bet they cannot come up with a real answer (”she gives me the willies” is not a real answer). They trash her, the Times, Schumer, and cannot tell you why. Spendthrift liberals? Bush is the one bankrupting the treasury. Effete? Bush is the one who drank and snorted his way through military service. Family values? Look at the GOP rogues gallery of bad spouses and sexual predators and try again.
I hear Mark Levin peddling the same tired them/us crap he has had his needle stuck on for years, and it is now officially boring. All of you right wing radio people better man up (you too, Ingraham) and accept defeat and grasp the reasons why you now grouse instead of doing the right thing: shut up and talk sense.